Real Men Don't Play Fantasy Role-Playing Games

By Jeff Okamoto, Sandy Petersen, and lots of USENET folks

The whole thing started around 1983 or so. Sandy Petersen told me of a party at Pacificon at the Dunfey Hotel in San Mateo in which the idea came up of classifying the different styles of role-playing. They came up with four different types, which are explained below.

They had come up with a few of the "Favorites". Sandy had thought up some more and I took the task of coming up with even more.

I first posted Real Men to USENET in early 1985. Since then, I have gotten very good feedback from assorted people and I have incorporated some of the best "Favorites".

Contributors include Perry Caro, Chris Guthrie, Rick Heli, Robert Allen, Ken Kaufman, and Merlyn LeRoy, to name a few.

The Real Man

The tough macho type who walks up to the attacking dragon and tells him to leave before he gets hurt.

The Real Role-Player

The intelligent cunning type who tricks the constable into letting you all out of prison.

The Loonie

The type who will do anything for a cheap laugh, including casting a fireball at ground zero.

The Munchkin

Need I say anything more?

GENERIC

Favorite FRPG:

Real Men play AD&D

Real Role-Players play RuneQuest III

Loonies play TOON

Munchkins play anything by TSR

Favorite SFRPG:

Real Men play Star Trek: The Role-Playing Game

Real Role-Players play Space Opera

Loonies play a variant Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins play anything by TSR

Favorite 1920's RPG:

Real Men play Gangbusters

Real Role-Players play Call of Cthulhu

Loonies play a very variant Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins play anything by TSR

Favorite SHRPG:

Real Men play Champions

Real Role-Players play Superworld

Loonies play an extremely variant Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins play anything by TSR

Favorite modern day/spy RPG:

Real Men play James Bond, 007

Real Role-Players play Justice, Inc.

Loonies play an unrecognizable variant Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins play anything by TSR

Favorite Post-Holocaust RPG:

Real Men play Twilight 2000

Real Role-Players play The Morrow Project

Loonies play an extremely unrecognizable variant of Spawn of Fashan

Munchkins play anything by TSR

Favorite King Arthurian RPG:

Real Men play Chivalry and Sorcery

Real Role-Players play Pendragon

Loonies play a variant of Spawn of Fashan so variant it shouldn't be called Spawn of Fashan anymore

Munchkins play anything by TSR

Favorite World/Setting:

Real Men play in Greyhawk/Sanctuary

Real Role-Players play in Glorantha

Loonies play in Southern California

Munchkins play wherever has the most magic items

Favorite Magazine:

Real Men read The General

Real Role-Players read White Dwarf

Loonies read comic books

Munchkins read anything by TSR

FANTASY

Favorite Dungeon Activity

Real Men fight Red Dragons

Real Role-Players bluff the Ogres

Loonies tell dirty jokes to Green Slime

Munchkins do whatever gives the most experience/rip each other off

Favorite Melee Weapon:

Real Men use Broadswords/Bastard Swords/Pole Axes

Real Role-Players use Rapiers and Main-Gauches

Loonies use Stage Knives

Munchkins use whatever gives the most plusses

Favorite Thrown Weapon:

Real Men throw Spears/Javelins

Real Role-Players throw Bolas

Loonies throw their friends' magic items

Munchkins throw whatever gives the most plusses

Favorite Missile Weapon:

Real Men shoot Long Bows/Composite Bows

Real Role-Players shoot Crossbows

Loonies shoot Twinkie Bazookas

Munchkins shoot whatever gives the most plusses

Favorite AD&D Spell:

Real Men cast Fireballs

Real Role-Players cast Find the Path

Loonies cast Otto's Irresistible Nose-Picking

Munchkins cast Smite Ruler and Transfer Loyalty of Populace

Favorite RQ3 Spirit Spell:

Real Men cast Bladesharp 10 on their swords

Real Role-Players cast Demoralize on their foes

Loonies cast Befuddle on their friends

Munchkins cast Fireball

Favorite RQ3 Sorcery Spell:

Real Men cast Dominate Human on others

Real Role-Players cast Damage Resistance on their familiars/themselves

Loonies cast Dominate Human on themselves

Munchkins cast Meteor Swarm

Favorite RQ3 Divine Spell:

Real Men cast Berserker on themselves

Real Role-Players cast Heal Body

Loonies cast Face Chaos on the Crimson Bat

Munchkins cast Timestop

Favorite AD&D Psionic Ability:

Real Men use Body Weaponry

Real Role-Players use Shape Alteration

Loonies use Sea Anemone Hypnosis

Munchkins use Assume Godhood

Favorite Alignment:

Real Men are Lawful Good

Real Role-Players don't use alignment

Loonies are Amoral Silly

Munchkins are whatever gives the most plusses

Favorite Religious-type Character:

Real Men play Paladins

Real Role-Players play Clerics

Loonies play street preachers

Munchkins play Demigods

Favorite Non-human as a PC:

Real Men play Dwarfs

Real Role-Players play Morokanths

Loonies play a Dwarf-Elf halfbreed

Munchkins play whatever gives the most plusses/Demi-gods

Favorite Undead to Summon:

Real Men summon Ghosts

Real Role-Players summon Wraiths

Loonies send in an AD&D troll wearing a sheet

Munchkins summon Cerberus

Favorite Way of Extracting Information from the Goblins:

Real Men torture them

Real Role-Players cast Legend Lore/Telepathy/Mind Read

Loonies tell puns to them

Munchkins peek behind the GM's shield

Favorite Demon/Devil:

Real Men like Asmodeus

Real Role-Players like Cacodemon

Loonies like Spiro Agnew

Munchkins like Satan's grandfather

Favorite God:

Real Men worship Humakt/Orlanth

Real Role-Players worship Issaries/Lhankor Mhy

Loonies worship Hare Krishna

Munchkins worship whoever gives the most plusses

Favorite Miscellaneous Magic Item:

Real Men love Adamantine Claws

Real Role-Players love Repulsor Rays

Loonies love Radioactive Teeth/+3 Kleenex

Munchkins love Uru's Hammer

Favorite Potion:

Real Men drink potions of Superheroism

Real Role-Players drink potions of Animal/Plant Control

Loonies drink potions of Jell-O

Munchkins drink potions of Deity Control

Favorite Ring:

Real Men wear rings of Elemental Control

Real Role-Players wear rings of Free Action

Loonies wear rings of Smurf Control

Munchkins wear rings of Infinite Wishes/the One Ring

Favorite Stick (ie, Rod/Staff/Wand):

Real Men wield staves of Striking

Real Role-Players wield staves of Healing

Loonies wield staves of styrofoam

Munchkins wield staves of Deity Power

Favorite Armor:

Real Men wear Plate Mail

Real Role-Players wear Elven Chainmail

Loonies wear Horse Barding

Munchkins wear powered armor a la _Starship_Troopers_

Favorite Helm:

Real Men wear a Helm of Brilliance

Real Role-Players wear a Helm of Telepathy

Loonies wear a Helm of Blindness ("Works great against medusas")

Munchkins wear a Helm of 360 Degree Vision with Force Field

Favorite Shield:

Real Men don't use shields (can't wield a two-handed weapon)

Real Role-Players use a Kite Shield

Loonies use a panty shield

Munchkins don't get the previous joke/use a Shield of Automatic Parry

Favorite Glove/Gauntlet:

Real Men fight bare-handed

Real Role-Players wear Gloves of Dexterity

Loonies wear THE Glove of Michael Jackson Charisma

Munchkins wear Gauntlets of Infinite Ring-Wearing

Favorite Boot:

Real Men wear Seven League Boots

Real Role-Players wear Boots of Stealth

Loonies wear house slippers

Munchkins wear Boots of Infinite Speed

Favorite Type of Mount:

Real Men ride heavy war horses

Real Role-Players ride palfreys

Loonies ride sheep

Munchkins ride heavy war tyrannosauri

Favorite NPC:

Real Men like Tarl Cabot

Real Role-Players like Medea

Loonies like Doctor Who

Munchkins like Darth Vader/Teela Brown

Favorite Animal to use as a Familiar:

Real Men have Black Cats

Real Role-Players have Owls

Loonies have Slugs

Munchkins have whatever gives the most plusses/Ancient Red Dragons

Favorite Kind of Elf:

Real Men like the Pini's elves

Real Role-Players like Tolkien's elves

Loonies like Santa's elves

Munchkins like Storm Giants with pointed ears

Favorite Kind of Dwarf:

Real Men like Tolkien's Dwarfs

Real Role-Players like Glorantha's Dwarfs

Loonies like the Seven Dwarfs

Munchkins like Earth Elementals with beards

Favorite Food to take on Expeditions:

Real Men bring along burgers, fries, milkshakes, and pizza

Real Role-Players bring along iron rations

Loonies bring along Froot Loops/aluminum rations

Munchkins bring along whatever gives the most plusses

Favorite Fantasy Author:

Real Men read J.R.R. Tolkien "Lord of the Rings"

Real Role-Players read Robert Asprin's "Thieves World" series

Loonies read Robert Asprin's "Myth" series

Munchkins read E. Gary Gygax

CALL OF CTHULHU

Favorite Spell:

Real Men don't believe in magic

Real Role-Players cast Elder Sign

Loonies cast Summon Smurf

Munchkins cast Control Cthulhu

Favorite Monster:

Real Men like Deep Ones

Real Role-Players don't like any of them

Loonies like Master's of the Universe Slime

Munchkins like Azathoth

Favorite Type of Character to Play:

Real Men play Private Investigators

Real Role-Players play Professors of Ancient Egyptian Archaeology

Loonies play Red Indian Sex Maniacs

Munchkins play Magic-Users

SCIENCE FICTION

Favorite Science Fiction Weapon:

Real Men use Laser Pistols/Blasters/Light Sabers

Real Role-Players use Stun Guns

Loonies use Thermonuclear Hand Grenades

Munchkins use whatever gives the most plusses

Favorite Method of Handling Alien Monster:

Real Men drive off the Bug-Eyed Monsters invading the Earth

Real Role-Players negotiate with the refugees from the evil Empire

Loonies hitch a ride with Vogons

Munchkins invade the home planet of the BEM and enslave them all

Favorite Science Fiction Movie:

Real Men watch "Star Wars/The Empire Strikes Back/Return of the Jedi"

Real Role-Players watch "2001: A Space Odyssey/2010: Odyssey Two"

Loonies watch "The Three Stooges go to Mars"

Munchkins watch "Star Trek-The Motion Picture/Star Trek II-The Wrath of Khan/Star Trek III-The Search for Spock/Star Trek IV- The Voyage Home"

Favorite Method of Space Travel

Real Men use Hyperspace/Warp Drive

Real Role-Players use suspended animation

Loonies use the Infinite Improbability Drive

Munchkins push the button and it goes

Favorite Star to Put a Colony Around:

Real Men colonize Beta Lyrae

Real Role-Players colonize Alpha Centauri

Loonies colonize Cygnus X-1

Munchkins colonize wherever gives the most plusses

Favorite Science Fiction Author:

Real Men read Isaac Asimov

Real Role-Players read Arthur C. Clarke

Loonies read Bored of the Rings/Doon

Munchkins read E. Gary Gygax

Favorite Monster

Real Men like the Alien

Real Role-Players like the Moties

Loonies like the beach ball from Dark Star

Munchkins like E.T.

MISCELLANEOUS

Favorite Bar to Hang Out In:

Real Men hang out at the Vulgar Unicorn

Real Role-Players hang out at the White Hart

Loonies hang out at the Big Bang Burger Bar/Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Munchkins hang out wherever they don't get carded

Favorite Superhero:

Real Men like Batman (The Dark Knight)

Real Role-Players like Jericho

Loonies like Bat-Mite

Munchkins like Galactus

Favorite Modern-day weapon:

Real Men use .44 Magnums

Real Role-Players use Walther PPKs

Loonies use water pistols

Munchkins use Infinite-Repeating Uzis

Favorite Actor:

Real Men like John Wayne

Real Role-Players like Claus Kinski

Loonies like Curly

Munchkins watch Saturday-morning cartoons

Favorite Actress:

Real Men like Racquel Welch

Real Role-Players like Adrienne Barbeau

Loonies like Phyllis Diller

Munchkins are far too young to know about Sex

Favorite Actor to play James Bond:

Real Men like Sean Connery

Real Role-Players like George Lazenby

Loonies like David Niven

Munchkins like Roger Moore

Favorite Card Game:

Real Men play Gin

Real Role-Players play Bridge

Loonies play Fizzbin

Munchkins cheat at Poker

Favorite Music

Real Men listen to Bruce Springsteen

Real Role-Players listen to 14th century madrigals

Loonies listen to Weird Al Yankovic

Munchkins are too busy watching their Favorite TV program

Favorite Convention Activity:

Real Men "Do the Dealer's Room"

Real Role-Players go to the seminars

Loonies play video games

Munchkins run and shout and cut in lines

EARTHDAWN

Favorite Character type:

Real Men like Troll Sky Raiders

Real Role-Players like Dwarf Troubadours

Loonies like Windling Warriors

Munchkins like Verjigorm

Favorite First Circle Talent:

Real Men like Fireblood

Real Role-Players like First Impression

Loonies like First Impression too, but use it on themselves in the mirror

Munchkins like starting with 3 ranks in Melee Weapons

Favorite piece of starting equipment:

Real Men like a spiked mace

Real Role-Players like Last Chance potions

Loonies like dwarven mine rations they can't eat anymore

Munchkins like Theran Behemoths

Favorite type of adventure:

Real Men like crawling through kaers and going mano-a-mano with Horrors

Real Role-Players like trekking across Barsaive and thwarting Questors of Dis

Loonies like paddling out in inflatable sea horsies to paint graffiti on the sides of T'skrang riverboats

Munchkins like taking over the Theran Empire

Least Favorite of the Passions:

Real Men think Raggok is a perversion of all that's good and holy

Real Role-Players are revolted to the core of their souls by Dis

Loonies like the idea behind Lochost but think it doesn't go far enough

Munchkins think Garlen is a wimp but like free healing too much to say so out loud

Favorite place in Barsaive:

Real Men want to live on Sky Point and hold it against all comers

Real Role-Players want to go to Blood Wood and join in the palace intrigues

Loonies take their boogie boards and go surfing on Death's Sea

Munchkins want to got to Thera and stare down the Sphinx ... and win